I need an appointment with "altercations"

This is, by far, my favorite phone call. The Bride in need of "altercations". You may understand this need as: alternations, aldercajuns or, the ever present alterations.

Is the pleading voice on the other end of my Verizon Wireless really that far off in her request?

She has not lost the weight that she was going to. Not because she wasn't trying with some wicked vengeance against her mother's "zaftig" body. Not because she didn't starve herself like the featherweight senior wrestler on your Varsity team in high school. Not because she didn't spend the bridesmaid gift budget on a premier gym membership. Oh no, folks. She did all of these things. Then she fell off the treadmill, and by fell I mean she passed out. She woke up to a new knee injury, gained all the weight she had lost and became herself again. The same beautiful woman her fiance fell in love with in the first place. NOT the starving, hair greasy, skin dry, shaky handed woman who has been living in his apartment for the past 3 months. He is happy, she is pissed and two months before the wedding she is realizing the dress is too small.

Ladies... please be reminded... he fell in love with you in your size 20 jeans.

Back to my initial question. Is my Bride so far off in her request?
I offer to set the appointment. Please come in with your shoes, the undergarments you will be wearing on your wedding day and no, we cannot have you borrow them. We need the whole ensemble to put you together- to make you look your best- to keep you from any wedding day altercations.

As the appointment is set and the Bride is relieved to know that most gowns do have enough fabric on the seams to let out, I am haunted by the idea that someone would want to hurt themselves so much for one day of pictures. Do your vows not promote happiness and well being in your marriage? Should your everyday life not reflect your lifelong promise to your partner? Is loving yourself as unconditionally as you love your mate, and your lack of willingness to negotiate with your hips truly that difficult for you? Are you threatened by the barrage of questions that hold you accountable for every silly action you take to make your partner's life miserable during the wedding planning process?

Avoid all altercations while preparing for your alterations.