Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Bringing in the New Year...

New Blog posts should be informative, but this will have to serve as a pseudo informative rant seeing as there has been some sort of influx of entitlement in the bridal-world.
Money is tight, and great service should not just be expected, but should be the norm, no matter what your dollar amount spent is, however, you are not the only bride, and if you treat yourself as such, you are bound to be let down. For this reason, please recognize a few things:
Like a restaurant, your consultant at a bridal salon, floral boutique or lingerie store are all working on commission and working understaffed. We want to give you the best deals, exactly what you want and the best service, but are spread thin. I don't care if I sell you a million dollars, or ten, what I want is for your day to rock the socks off of everyone, including you! I want you to be happy and excited and have everything you want for the price you want, but I'm not God and I'm only one person. Please excuse me for 5 minutes to eat my lunch, use the restroom and grab some dresses, shoes, a vest, a tie, a ribbon, a vase, floral samples, an mp3 or a thong for someone else. I want to make a million dreams come true, not just one! I'm just as excited as you are for the big day- everyone's big day!
With that, please take your dreams one day at a time. If you're not engaged, but plan to be, WAIT! Going into stores with your girlfriends, little sister, mom and/or grandmom may seem like fun because you're going to be engaged soon, but it's actually counter-productive, as you have no idea when your wedding will be. If you don't have the ring, you don't know if you're getting married, and honestly, every consultant in every aspect of the industry knows who you are, and it's a little silly and immature. Everything in due-time, ladies. Last, but not least, trying on dresses before you're married is BAD LUCK! That's how "the story" goes, at least. Borrowing headpieces and garters are also bad luck. Jewelry is the most common borrowed item, and holds no superstition.
So, as 2009 comes to a close, put give people a damn break on your list of resolutions, and don't forget to apply that to the consultants laboring to put your day together. I can say, with certainty, wedding consultants want you to love your wedding and every detail we add to it- from your french manicure to the monogrammed cocktail napkins- because that is our best advertisement, and our passion in life. Your consultant is on your side- lay out your lines and we'll do our best, but please, stop buying CZ from Macy's and playing in dresses. Our feet hurt from running dresses!

Anti-zilla wishes you a happy and healthy New Year- and hopefully an engaging evening!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I need an appointment with "altercations"

This is, by far, my favorite phone call. The Bride in need of "altercations". You may understand this need as: alternations, aldercajuns or, the ever present alterations.

Is the pleading voice on the other end of my Verizon Wireless really that far off in her request?

She has not lost the weight that she was going to. Not because she wasn't trying with some wicked vengeance against her mother's "zaftig" body. Not because she didn't starve herself like the featherweight senior wrestler on your Varsity team in high school. Not because she didn't spend the bridesmaid gift budget on a premier gym membership. Oh no, folks. She did all of these things. Then she fell off the treadmill, and by fell I mean she passed out. She woke up to a new knee injury, gained all the weight she had lost and became herself again. The same beautiful woman her fiance fell in love with in the first place. NOT the starving, hair greasy, skin dry, shaky handed woman who has been living in his apartment for the past 3 months. He is happy, she is pissed and two months before the wedding she is realizing the dress is too small.

Ladies... please be reminded... he fell in love with you in your size 20 jeans.

Back to my initial question. Is my Bride so far off in her request?
I offer to set the appointment. Please come in with your shoes, the undergarments you will be wearing on your wedding day and no, we cannot have you borrow them. We need the whole ensemble to put you together- to make you look your best- to keep you from any wedding day altercations.

As the appointment is set and the Bride is relieved to know that most gowns do have enough fabric on the seams to let out, I am haunted by the idea that someone would want to hurt themselves so much for one day of pictures. Do your vows not promote happiness and well being in your marriage? Should your everyday life not reflect your lifelong promise to your partner? Is loving yourself as unconditionally as you love your mate, and your lack of willingness to negotiate with your hips truly that difficult for you? Are you threatened by the barrage of questions that hold you accountable for every silly action you take to make your partner's life miserable during the wedding planning process?

Avoid all altercations while preparing for your alterations.